Time Flies Regardless of The Amount of Fun You Are Having

Wow!  Has it been since August since I last posted?  I remember as a child how s-l-o-w-l-y time seemed to crawl, especially at this time of year with summer vacation right around the corner.  Now that I am 51, it seems like I blink and another month has passed.  Yikes! 

So, I am getting ready to move my blog to WordPress, and gearing up to post on a regular basis.  So- when the new WP blog is live I will post a link here.  See ya!

It's Official!

It's official- I am OUT OF MY EVER LOVIN' MIND!  Yikes!  I went ahead and signed up for the triathlon.  I paid my money, told them my t-shirt size and in 14 days, I'll see what I am made of.  Yikes.  I am scared out of my mind.  What the heck was I thinking?  ::::::::::moaning:::::::::       :::::::::weeping:::::::::   ::::::::::gnashing-of-teeth::::::::

Today, Reg and I rode harder than I have in the past.  We clipped along at 12-13 miles per hour.  It was hard, but not terrible.  I am hoping for a 30 minute swim, 1 hour bike, and 1.5 hour run/walk.  We shall see, we shall see!  Woot!!!

REcommitting

I met with my sponsor on Monday.  I shared with her that I am feeling really worried about whether or not I will be able to continue training, and whether or not I will be able to participate in this triathlon.  I shared with her that I am worried that I will get too discouraged and just quit.  That's been my "go to" behavior in the past: quitting.  My unspoken life motto was:  When the going gets tough, it's time to quit and blame.  

My sponsor recommended that I do something I have never done before.  She recommended that I RE-commit.  She recommended that I think about what I want, how I want to get there, and make the commitment again.  And again.  As many times as it takes, I need to recommit to my goal. 

This idea of recommitting goes against my nature of "all or nothing".  But if I am honest with myself, my "all or nothing" way of life, usually ends up with not much of "all" and a whole bunch of "nothing".  I know how this story ends.  I start something very enthusiastically and when obstacles get in my way, I take the first few, but eventually I encounter one too many obstacles, and I quit.  I quit, and then to make myself feel better for giving up, I blame.  When I look back on my life, I can see how this process of quitting leads me to stop having confidence in my ability to accomplish anything difficult, and how it causes me to need to manage my feelings of failure with drugs, alcohol or food.  I quit my Jr. High School basketball team, took the easy classes in high school, quit college, made poor career choices, ruined friendships; the list goes on and on.  OY!!!

Now, there are SOME decisions I made that I have continued on the path of success.  Getting clean and sober (20 years this December), my marriage, my kids, Celebrate Recovery, to name a few.  So to be fair to myself, I don't quit EVERYTHING.  Just some things: college (I quit 6 semester hours short of my BS in Psychology), sports, eating healthy, exercise, business ideas, friendships, churches, musical instruments, etc.  The thing is though, that each time I quit something, it makes my circle of opportunity smaller and smaller, and I suddenly find myself in a very tiny and confining circle of life experiences.  Then I drink or use or eat to manage my frustration and pain. 

So, what if I try something new?  What if I start something, overcome a few obstacles, feel like quitting, and then REcommit and see what happens?  What would that be like?  I think I want to try that! 

So today, I am going to envision myself completing my training, and participating in this triathlon.  I might be last.  I probably will be last. I might be the slowest, the fattest and the lamest person there.  But I WILL finish. I am going to envision myself continuing to train, no matter what.  Even though I feel stupid for even trying. Even though I feel embarrassed because I don't look like the other athletes out there.  Even though I have a Walmart helmet, and am too big to fit into a wet suit.  Even thought it hurts.  Even though I am afraid.  I am going to remind myself that if I quit, I have a 100% chance of failing.  If I don't quit, if I keep training, I have a 50/50 chance of NOT failing. 

I am going to write a new story!  Woot! 

Dissolving in Foam

“You can plan all you want to. You can lie in your morning bed and fill whole notebooks with schemes and intentions. But within a single afternoon, within hours or minutes, everything you plan and everything you have fought to make yourself can be undone as a slug is undone when salt is poured on him. And right up to the moment when you find yourself dissolving in foam you can still believe you are doing fine.”

- Wallace Stegner, “Crossing For Safety.

I read this quote on Jon Katz's (is that the way you would write that?) blog the other day.  I know it sounds kind of negative, but it really was powerful to me.  It's like my favorite verse from Proverbs-  

<<In their hearts humans plan their course,

    but the Lord establishes their steps.>> 

Very true!  I make my plans, but God decides how it goes.  I am okay with that.  I am working my boo-tay off to get ready for this triathlon.  And, it will be, what it will be.  I can only control my end (rear) of the deal.  The rest is up to God.  With that said, I swam a 450, kicked a 100, then walked a 18 minute mile.  I wasn't dead afterwards, so that's a good thing!

Back In The Water Again....

I'm back to training, and it feels good.  Sarah worked with me today on my breast stroke.  I have decided to focus on that stroke for my first triathlon.  I think it will take another month or two for me to put together more than 100 yards of freestyle, so for now, it's the breast stroke.  I have to remember that my goal is to finish.  That's what I am hoping for- a finish.  I am beginning to get nervous about the whole event.  What in the heck made me think I could even do this?  OY!

A SHORT Break For A Wedding

My oldest daughter, Mandy is getting married this week.  So I am taking a short break in training.  This kind of makes me nervous, because I still have so very far to go, and sprint day is barreling down the pike right at me.  On the bright side, Reg and I went on an 11 mile ride yesterday, and I cleaned my bathroom so clean today, that we could have had dinner in there tonight.  That has to count for something, yes?

I am trying not to be obsessed over not training this week, for goodness sake, my FIRST BORN is getting married in my backyard in 6 days!  And in all honesty, it's not that I love training so much, it's that I am scared outta my mind.  Yesterday, there were many bikers out on the road, and they all looked in shape, with their slim biking shorts, sporty tops, and super sleek helmets.  I am not even close to in shape, every part of my body jiggles, my cut-off sweats kept getting caught in my water bottle lid, and my helmet is from Walmart. I am not sure what makes me think I want to do this, but that is for another day.  For now, I am going to focus on the super fun, super exciting event coming right up- a wedding!  Woot! 

Swimming Today

Today I am going to be swimming outdoors in a real 25 yd. length pool.  Let me tell you, that extra 15 feet makes a difference.  I wish I could do a flip turn like the others there.  I think I will have to ask Sarah how to do it.  Today, I am just going to focus on form, and to just swim as many laps as I can.  Woot!