Feeling Better Now

Okay, I think I am over my pity party now.  Whew!  Glad that is behind me.  I swam today.  Outside.  It felt great!  This pool is longer than the pool I have been swimming in, and the extra 5 yards definitely kicked my boo-tay.  So, today I focused on just swimming from end to end.  I didn't count laps, I didn't time myself, I just swam.  And it was good- woot!!!

Maybe I Won't, Maybe I Will

Ugh.  Dark night of the soul and all that trash. Yesterday and this morning I am struggling with despair, fear. and hopelessness.  What if I can't do this thing?  What if I can't finish a sprint triathlon?  My heart medication makes everything harder.  It makes it harder to lose weight, it makes it harder to stay motivated, it makes it harder to get my body to do what I want it to do, it makes me feel tired, it makes me feel like quitting because it's so hard.  And maybe all this hard work is for nothing.  Maybe I just *think* I am working hard and really, I am not, but the medication makes me feel like I am and I am actually just wasting my time, not working towards anything.  I think that's my fear.  That all my effort isn't really meaningful at all, it's just a waste of time.  The two things I would use to judge my progress weight loss, and heart rate, are the two things mostly affected by beta blockers.  My beta blocker won't let my heart rate raise much, which means the aerobic benefit of this training is definitely compromised.  So, no wonder I am not losing weight!  I FEEL like I am exercising a lot, but actually, I am not working all that hard because my heart medication makes my heart not work very hard.  I feel lost.  And frustrated.  And angry.  And hopeless.  Blech!  What to do, what to do?  

Training Slow Down

So yesterday, during my swim my heart started to hurt.  It kinda radiated from the front to the back, or vise-verse, I just couldn't tell.  I called the cardiac nurse, and she didn't seem too concerned.  So, today I will take it easy, and see what's up.  I have an appointment with my general nurse practitioner to see if I can get a cortisone injection in my heels for my plantar-fascias, or however you spell it.  Always something.  I am a little discouraged today- that pain in the back/heart thing makes me nervous and reminds me that 7 months ago I had a heart attack.  Bleh.

Long Ride and Perspective

I finally got a fairly long ride in today- I have been wanting to go for a longer ride, but finding a place to do that has been difficult.  I ended up riding to the marina today- it's exactly 5.5 miles out, and 5.5 miles back.  11 miles total.  I stopped at the marina and had a small snack, then biked home.  I like my new ArmPocket. I keep my iPhone in it, and can listen to music while I ride.  Take The Last Train to Clarksville set a good cadence, LOL!  I'm going to swim tonight for a few laps and see how that feels.  I am hoping to get to go for  an open water swim this week, coupled with a longer bike ride.  Hope I last!

Feeling Stronger Today

Today I rode 9 miles on my bike, and it felt good-  really good.  So good in fact, I don't feel like it was a hard workout at all.  That is AWESOME!!!!  I am SO excited- some progress!  After that terrible swim workout I had yesterday, this is very encouraging.

The girls are gone at camp all next week, and Sarah only works half days, so we have 2 good long rides planned, and I am excited!  On Monday, we are going to go to Shadow Cliffs to do an open water swim, and then a long bike ride.  We might flip flop that though, because it would be nice to cool off after the ride- we'll see.

I am pretty terrified of an open water swim, so I should practice a time or two before the real deal, I guess.  I am not sure why I am so terrified.  Growing up, I only swam in a lake- we went water skiing every weekend, and I can't remember ever swimming in a pool.  Now, the thought of swimming in a lake gives me the heebie-jeebies.  Yikes!

Jello In The Pool

My swim workout today was pretty discouraging.  I am sure that there was some sort of rip tide going on in the middle of the pool, and that someone had added jello to the water as well.  For whatever reason, I could NOT get out of my own way this morning.  Very discouraging.  And of course, I went right to the ugly place of, "I can't do this.  I should quit.  I am stupid for even thinking that I could even do this.  Why try?  I can't, I can't, I can't."  I. really. wanted. to. quit.  just. quit. quit. quit.  But then, I thought about how I would feel if I got out of the pool.  I realized that I wouldn't feel better, I would feel like a quitter.  And I hate feeling like a quitter.  Hate it.

 In my recovery, something I have learned is that taking the easy way out, only postpones and intensifies my pain.  It's a lie for me to think that if I drink, use, or eat, I will feel better.  I never do.  I have a MOMENT of relief while I am drinking, or using, or eating, but as soon as that moment passes, the pain is there and it's stronger and lasts longer because I then have pain AND regret.  Such fun (not!)  

So, I decided to just keep doing one set at a time, and then see if I could do one more.  I had 8 sets to do, and before I knew it, I was on the 6th set, then the 7th, and then the 8th!  After the 8th set, I wanted to just quit and get out of the pool, but somehow I was able to keep going for the last 10 minutes for my cool down.  It wasn't pretty, but I got it done.  Still kinda discouraged, but I'll just keep my head down and keep working.

Tomorrow:  a long bike ride!  Woot!

I Am Going To Do It!

I am going to compete in a triathlon. In 8 weeks. Kinda scary to actually post this- makes it real to me.

Ever since my heart attack in November, I have wanted to get busy on my Bucket List. Participating in a Triathlon happened to be on the list, and since exercise was needed in my recovery, it seemed like a good place to start. So, I have been working out since March. First on my list? Learn to swim. Because you have to swim in a triathlon, I thought it best to start with learning to swim. Sarah is a great swim teacher! You would think with 4 girls on a swim team, their momma would know how to swim. Not so much. In fact, I have had such a deep fear of the water, I made sure the girls could swim at an early age, so I wouldn't have to go in after them. I know, lame. But there you go. Soooooo- in April, I learned to swim. I cried. A lot. I felt sorry for Sarah, but told her if possible, to ignore my tears. I was soooooooo afraid, and it seemed soooooo hard. I was WAY out of shape! So I had the fear of swimming/drowning, and then the knowledge of how far out of shape I was going through my head as I flopped from one side of the pool to the other. But you know, it got easier. It got easier faster than I expected. Now, I can swim 600 yards. Not all in one shot, don't let me fool you, I do it in groups of 75 yds, but I am getting there!

Next on the agenda?  Learn to run.  Yikes, there are a lot of things to learn to do!  Last month I started learning to run again, and taking it REAL slow!  My work out for two weeks:  warm up:  walk 10 minutes.  Main set: jog for 30 sec, walk for 3 minutes.  Repeat 5 times.  The next week:  warm up: walk for 10 minutes.  Main set:  Jog for 30 sec. walk for 2 minutes, repeat 5X.  You get the idea.  Today my work out:  walk 10 mins.  Main set:  Jog for 45 sec, walk 1:30 sec, repeat 5 sec.  I rode my bike to the track (1.5 miles), did my work out and then rode home.  Total work out:  rode 3 miles, walked/jogged for 35 mins.  Not too bad.  I am in no pain, and that's a good thing!  Woot!