Maybe I Won't, Maybe I Will

Ugh.  Dark night of the soul and all that trash. Yesterday and this morning I am struggling with despair, fear. and hopelessness.  What if I can't do this thing?  What if I can't finish a sprint triathlon?  My heart medication makes everything harder.  It makes it harder to lose weight, it makes it harder to stay motivated, it makes it harder to get my body to do what I want it to do, it makes me feel tired, it makes me feel like quitting because it's so hard.  And maybe all this hard work is for nothing.  Maybe I just *think* I am working hard and really, I am not, but the medication makes me feel like I am and I am actually just wasting my time, not working towards anything.  I think that's my fear.  That all my effort isn't really meaningful at all, it's just a waste of time.  The two things I would use to judge my progress weight loss, and heart rate, are the two things mostly affected by beta blockers.  My beta blocker won't let my heart rate raise much, which means the aerobic benefit of this training is definitely compromised.  So, no wonder I am not losing weight!  I FEEL like I am exercising a lot, but actually, I am not working all that hard because my heart medication makes my heart not work very hard.  I feel lost.  And frustrated.  And angry.  And hopeless.  Blech!  What to do, what to do?