Sometimes, that's all you can do.
When I first got clean and sober, my sponsor in AA told me the secret to staying clean and sober. She said, "Go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and don't drink or use between meetings." That sounded simple enough, and I did it. I was surprised at how much that whole "don't drink or use between meetings" idea really helped. For some reason, having a goal (to not drink or use between meetings) really made it all bearable.
After I had 90 days under my belt she then told me the next secret: "Just show up for life." That's all I had to do. Amazingly enough, it actually worked. I showed up at the meetings, showed up at rehab, showed up at group therapy, showed up for work, showed up at church, showed up for lunch dates with friends, showed up at family functions, and surprisingly enough, most of the chaos in my life really settled down. The longer I stayed clean and sober, the more "showing up for life" translated into: taking care of business, being present, taking care of the little things when they appear instead of waiting for them to "go away" (they never do, in fact they grow exponentially while you are not dealing with them).
I am a member of the "sandwich generation". I have children at home, and take care of my aging parents. Today I took my kids and my parents to Costco. While my dad was off doing the shopping for his household, I was took my mom and my girls to the book section, located in the way back of the store. Suddenly, my mom needed to use the restroom- and fast. When my girls were younger, I would dash through the store with a toddler stashed under my arm. (O.J. Simpson had NOTHIN’ on me.) Most people would smile knowingly, and step aside to let us pass. Many times, a kind person allowed us to move to the front of the line to prevent a toddler mishap.
It's different with an elderly parent. It not like I can tuck her under my arm, or hoist her into the shopping cart and sprint to the front of the store. My mom needs to use the shopping cart for support. She has trouble starting and stopping walking, and trouble regulating her speed. Meaning, that the longer she walks, the faster she goes. This means that we are negotiating our way (as fast as possible), with a large shopping cart through a crowded Costco store. I have my 9 and 12 year-old girls bobbing along beside me, my mom at the back of the cart, and I am in the front, trying to prevent my mom from mowing down others, or scraping the back layer of skin from their ankles with the cart. To most people, we look like rude shoppers- shoving through, shoving ahead, darting around those stopped to take a sample. In their defense, they would have no way of knowing that a bathroom accident is imminent and it won’t be pretty. My mom does have some dignity left, so it wasn’t as if I could shout, “Make way! Bathroom Issues! Make way!” And although I love her dearly, my mom isn't as cute as a toddler. Cute goes a long way when you are in a rush....
We made it in time. Just in time. It was close. But we made it. It was nerve wracking. My mom was embarrassed. I was sad. And then it was time to go back to look at books. Sometimes, there isn’t anything else to do, but show up for life. Be in the moment, and take care of business. And sigh a lot. Sigh.
