Yet another trip to the hospital for my mom. Apparently the shunt had stopped working. The dr. adjusted it, and she seems to be doing better. It is so frustrating sometimes- there just doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it.
This time, I did things different though. I didn't drop everything to rush in and take over. I actually thought through my responses. I know- right? Growth. What is up with that?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Hard To Get Used To
We cleaned out our freezer today. Wow- we can save a lot of money this week by just eating from our freezer. I did the pantry last week. Woot!!! While moving the freezer out of the garage, we came across some Halloween decorations that belong to my mom. My dad asked me if I wanted them, and I did. My mom no longer cares about decorating or even remembers that she used to really like decorating. But I tell you, it feels weird using something that is my moms, but she doesn't remember it belongs to her. I am not sure what my sisters will say- will it bother them? I am trying to check my feelings to see if it would bother me if they were displaying something that is my mom's. I can't tell. It's such a weird feeling to get used to.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Expectations Gone Awry
I am old enough to know better, but still get caught in the trap of expecting other people to react to something the way I would, and being surprised when they don't! What is up with that? Could all of life's problems be solved if I could just remember that? Hmmmmm....
About Love
Watching my dad take care of my mom during this season of her life, and their life together, has been an amazing learning experience. My dad loves my mom beyond measure- that is clear. He spends every day of his life taking care of her, with the knowledge that in the end, she will die, and he will be alone. When I am taking care of my kids, I do so with the knowledge that they will grow to take care of themselves. My role as caretaker will diminish with time. My dad's role of caretaker will increase, and then end. As much as I love my mother, my life is filled with other commitments, other loves, other lives. When my mom passes, mine will go on, his will stop. His purpose for getting up every morning will stop. What will he do? I don't know.
This business of marriage- for better or worse, in sickness and in health- this is what it looks like at the real life level. My dad does the complete care for my mom- he bathes her, dresses her, feeds her, changes her diapers, catheters her, reads to her, takes her for walks, makes the rose garden beautiful for her- she is completely dependent upon him for her care. Possibly at some level she knows this and is appreciative, but I haven't ever experienced her understanding what my dad is doing for her. He works without a reward in sight, without a prize at the end. My mom isn't going to get better, and we all know this. She could die tonight, tomorrow, 3 years from now. He doesn't know when she will die, but rather, that she will die. And yet, he continues on, doing a wonderful and loving job of taking care of her. It comes at great cost to him- and as of yet, he hasn't even paid the highest price yet, but he will. That time will come sooner rather than later.
This business of marriage- for better or worse, in sickness and in health- this is what it looks like at the real life level. My dad does the complete care for my mom- he bathes her, dresses her, feeds her, changes her diapers, catheters her, reads to her, takes her for walks, makes the rose garden beautiful for her- she is completely dependent upon him for her care. Possibly at some level she knows this and is appreciative, but I haven't ever experienced her understanding what my dad is doing for her. He works without a reward in sight, without a prize at the end. My mom isn't going to get better, and we all know this. She could die tonight, tomorrow, 3 years from now. He doesn't know when she will die, but rather, that she will die. And yet, he continues on, doing a wonderful and loving job of taking care of her. It comes at great cost to him- and as of yet, he hasn't even paid the highest price yet, but he will. That time will come sooner rather than later.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Hanging On To Hope
Hanging on to the hope that the major physical set-back my mom is going through is "just a phase". I mean, that worked when my kids were exhibiting some unwanted behavior, so can't it work to explain a parent's declining health as well? This is what I am telling myself. I wonder how long I will believe this?
Not Knowing
It's that not knowing part that is most frustrating.
When my mom came home from the hospital just a few weeks ago, she was so much improved! We were shocked at how well she was doing. Of course one can't be cured of dementia. But her overall ability to walk, talk, follow a conversation, do simple chores around the house, read, etc. had been MUCH improved. Over the last few weeks however, she has slipped back into not being able to walk much, can't follow a conversation, having trouble feeding herself, etc.. So- we take her to her general Dr. and ask, "What is happening?" The Dr. doesn't know. The neurologist doesn't know. The neurosurgeon doesn't know. No one knows for sure. And we are frustrated! How to know what to do? Do we just accept this as a process of aging? Do we keep looking for answers? How do we know when enough is enough? How do we know when to stop and just enjoy these last few times with her? Argh. What to do, what to do?
When my mom came home from the hospital just a few weeks ago, she was so much improved! We were shocked at how well she was doing. Of course one can't be cured of dementia. But her overall ability to walk, talk, follow a conversation, do simple chores around the house, read, etc. had been MUCH improved. Over the last few weeks however, she has slipped back into not being able to walk much, can't follow a conversation, having trouble feeding herself, etc.. So- we take her to her general Dr. and ask, "What is happening?" The Dr. doesn't know. The neurologist doesn't know. The neurosurgeon doesn't know. No one knows for sure. And we are frustrated! How to know what to do? Do we just accept this as a process of aging? Do we keep looking for answers? How do we know when enough is enough? How do we know when to stop and just enjoy these last few times with her? Argh. What to do, what to do?
Monday, October 11, 2010
What A Ride!
Wow! Has it really been a year since I last posted? Yikes- that resolution sure didn't last long. Good thing my life wasn't depending on it. I am guessing that *composing* a post in my head, and actually *posting* a post in real life are two different things. Who knew?
Sigh. Life has gone on. My mom's dementia hasn't gotten any better- I guess people don't actually ever get better or recover from dementia, but still, one can hope. This summer was the summer from Hades, between my dad's complicated back surgery and recovery and my mom's stroke, 3 surgeries and seizures. Thankfully, this month has been a month of status quo- both parents seem to be in a stable place. I have a little space to breath.
You know those t.v. shows where one parent looks at the other and says, "It's finally quiet!" and the other parent says, "Too quiet!" and then both parents haul boo-tay up the stairs to find whatever awaits them up there? Yeah, that is where I am at right now. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which is such a bad way to use my time. I have been praying for some peace; for a season of refreshing. Now that it is here, and am spending it freaking out about the future. This, I must work on.
Sigh. Life has gone on. My mom's dementia hasn't gotten any better- I guess people don't actually ever get better or recover from dementia, but still, one can hope. This summer was the summer from Hades, between my dad's complicated back surgery and recovery and my mom's stroke, 3 surgeries and seizures. Thankfully, this month has been a month of status quo- both parents seem to be in a stable place. I have a little space to breath.
You know those t.v. shows where one parent looks at the other and says, "It's finally quiet!" and the other parent says, "Too quiet!" and then both parents haul boo-tay up the stairs to find whatever awaits them up there? Yeah, that is where I am at right now. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which is such a bad way to use my time. I have been praying for some peace; for a season of refreshing. Now that it is here, and am spending it freaking out about the future. This, I must work on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)