It's Official!

It's official- I am OUT OF MY EVER LOVIN' MIND!  Yikes!  I went ahead and signed up for the triathlon.  I paid my money, told them my t-shirt size and in 14 days, I'll see what I am made of.  Yikes.  I am scared out of my mind.  What the heck was I thinking?  ::::::::::moaning:::::::::       :::::::::weeping:::::::::   ::::::::::gnashing-of-teeth::::::::

Today, Reg and I rode harder than I have in the past.  We clipped along at 12-13 miles per hour.  It was hard, but not terrible.  I am hoping for a 30 minute swim, 1 hour bike, and 1.5 hour run/walk.  We shall see, we shall see!  Woot!!!

REcommitting

I met with my sponsor on Monday.  I shared with her that I am feeling really worried about whether or not I will be able to continue training, and whether or not I will be able to participate in this triathlon.  I shared with her that I am worried that I will get too discouraged and just quit.  That's been my "go to" behavior in the past: quitting.  My unspoken life motto was:  When the going gets tough, it's time to quit and blame.  

My sponsor recommended that I do something I have never done before.  She recommended that I RE-commit.  She recommended that I think about what I want, how I want to get there, and make the commitment again.  And again.  As many times as it takes, I need to recommit to my goal. 

This idea of recommitting goes against my nature of "all or nothing".  But if I am honest with myself, my "all or nothing" way of life, usually ends up with not much of "all" and a whole bunch of "nothing".  I know how this story ends.  I start something very enthusiastically and when obstacles get in my way, I take the first few, but eventually I encounter one too many obstacles, and I quit.  I quit, and then to make myself feel better for giving up, I blame.  When I look back on my life, I can see how this process of quitting leads me to stop having confidence in my ability to accomplish anything difficult, and how it causes me to need to manage my feelings of failure with drugs, alcohol or food.  I quit my Jr. High School basketball team, took the easy classes in high school, quit college, made poor career choices, ruined friendships; the list goes on and on.  OY!!!

Now, there are SOME decisions I made that I have continued on the path of success.  Getting clean and sober (20 years this December), my marriage, my kids, Celebrate Recovery, to name a few.  So to be fair to myself, I don't quit EVERYTHING.  Just some things: college (I quit 6 semester hours short of my BS in Psychology), sports, eating healthy, exercise, business ideas, friendships, churches, musical instruments, etc.  The thing is though, that each time I quit something, it makes my circle of opportunity smaller and smaller, and I suddenly find myself in a very tiny and confining circle of life experiences.  Then I drink or use or eat to manage my frustration and pain. 

So, what if I try something new?  What if I start something, overcome a few obstacles, feel like quitting, and then REcommit and see what happens?  What would that be like?  I think I want to try that! 

So today, I am going to envision myself completing my training, and participating in this triathlon.  I might be last.  I probably will be last. I might be the slowest, the fattest and the lamest person there.  But I WILL finish. I am going to envision myself continuing to train, no matter what.  Even though I feel stupid for even trying. Even though I feel embarrassed because I don't look like the other athletes out there.  Even though I have a Walmart helmet, and am too big to fit into a wet suit.  Even thought it hurts.  Even though I am afraid.  I am going to remind myself that if I quit, I have a 100% chance of failing.  If I don't quit, if I keep training, I have a 50/50 chance of NOT failing. 

I am going to write a new story!  Woot! 

Dissolving in Foam

“You can plan all you want to. You can lie in your morning bed and fill whole notebooks with schemes and intentions. But within a single afternoon, within hours or minutes, everything you plan and everything you have fought to make yourself can be undone as a slug is undone when salt is poured on him. And right up to the moment when you find yourself dissolving in foam you can still believe you are doing fine.”

- Wallace Stegner, “Crossing For Safety.

I read this quote on Jon Katz's (is that the way you would write that?) blog the other day.  I know it sounds kind of negative, but it really was powerful to me.  It's like my favorite verse from Proverbs-  

<<In their hearts humans plan their course,

    but the Lord establishes their steps.>> 

Very true!  I make my plans, but God decides how it goes.  I am okay with that.  I am working my boo-tay off to get ready for this triathlon.  And, it will be, what it will be.  I can only control my end (rear) of the deal.  The rest is up to God.  With that said, I swam a 450, kicked a 100, then walked a 18 minute mile.  I wasn't dead afterwards, so that's a good thing!

Back In The Water Again....

I'm back to training, and it feels good.  Sarah worked with me today on my breast stroke.  I have decided to focus on that stroke for my first triathlon.  I think it will take another month or two for me to put together more than 100 yards of freestyle, so for now, it's the breast stroke.  I have to remember that my goal is to finish.  That's what I am hoping for- a finish.  I am beginning to get nervous about the whole event.  What in the heck made me think I could even do this?  OY!

A SHORT Break For A Wedding

My oldest daughter, Mandy is getting married this week.  So I am taking a short break in training.  This kind of makes me nervous, because I still have so very far to go, and sprint day is barreling down the pike right at me.  On the bright side, Reg and I went on an 11 mile ride yesterday, and I cleaned my bathroom so clean today, that we could have had dinner in there tonight.  That has to count for something, yes?

I am trying not to be obsessed over not training this week, for goodness sake, my FIRST BORN is getting married in my backyard in 6 days!  And in all honesty, it's not that I love training so much, it's that I am scared outta my mind.  Yesterday, there were many bikers out on the road, and they all looked in shape, with their slim biking shorts, sporty tops, and super sleek helmets.  I am not even close to in shape, every part of my body jiggles, my cut-off sweats kept getting caught in my water bottle lid, and my helmet is from Walmart. I am not sure what makes me think I want to do this, but that is for another day.  For now, I am going to focus on the super fun, super exciting event coming right up- a wedding!  Woot! 

Swimming Today

Today I am going to be swimming outdoors in a real 25 yd. length pool.  Let me tell you, that extra 15 feet makes a difference.  I wish I could do a flip turn like the others there.  I think I will have to ask Sarah how to do it.  Today, I am just going to focus on form, and to just swim as many laps as I can.  Woot!

Such a pretty ride today!  Reg and I rode 15 miles this morning.  I am surprised that I am not as tired and I thought I would/should be.  I am not sure I could have done a run/walk afterwards, but I still have a few more weeks of training ahead of me.  This is what I tell myself so I can sleep at nigh.

Running

I used to like running.  Now?  Not so much.  The running training schedule I am following is pretty easy.  I am not exhausted after the workout (I am tired, but not wiped out.)  I am taking it VERY slow to minimize any injuries because of my weight. My intention isn't to run the Triathlon, but to walk the 5K part (okay, if there are any downhill parts, I might run those!)  I do however, want to get to a place where I might be able to run at least part of a 5K.  Some day.  Back to the not liking the running part:  I am not sure what part I don't like.  I do know that I don't like it so much that I start dreading it the night before my scheduled work out day.  Again, it's not too hard, it doesn't hurt, I have good music to listen to, and good round-timer so I can focus on form, not timing myself.  I dunno.  What's up with that, anyway?  I guess what counts is that I just get out there and do it.  Today, I did.  I just got out there and did my thing.  It went fine.  It wasn't easy.  It wasn't all that much fun.  But it wasn't terrible, either.  And I do feel good now that it's done.  It's a mystery, I guess.  Whatev!

Be Warned

Dear Drivers,

I am one of you.  I have been for many years.  I drive.  I get it.  I understand how annoying a person riding a bike can be.  Bike riders aren't going as fast as traffic, they kinda weave and wobble, and they are hard to pass.  I get it--I really do.  But the next time you are feeling annoyed and inconvenienced by the biker ahead of you, here are a few thoughts for you to consider before whipping past them:  

1. They might be new at biking
2. They might have a family that needs them
3. They might enjoy being alive
4. They might want to see the sunrise of the next day.
5. And last but not least:  they might be me or my children.  

So, dear driver, let's put this in perspective shall we?  Let's agree to give every person you pass on a bike today, a little extra space.  You are closer than you think when trying to "quickly pass" a biker in your big. honkin'. metal. tank.  Honestly, you are not as deft, or agile as you might think.

Riding bikes with my kids, I discovered that I have a violent protective streak, more than a mile wide.  When passing a bike rider, drivers come WAY TOO CLOSE.  Some have the audacity to HONK at my children while passing them, because THAT isn't scary or rude at all!   I am glad I don't have a shotgun or rocket launcher on my bike, although the thought has crossed my mind.  (I am pretty sure I could find a niche market for that design.)

So be warned, drivers:  If I am out riding my bike, and you hit me or my children, you had better make darn sure that I am as dead or incapacitated, because if there is ANY way that I can do it, I WILL GET UP AND COME AFTER YOU!!!  Just saying is all...... 

Feeling Better Now

Okay, I think I am over my pity party now.  Whew!  Glad that is behind me.  I swam today.  Outside.  It felt great!  This pool is longer than the pool I have been swimming in, and the extra 5 yards definitely kicked my boo-tay.  So, today I focused on just swimming from end to end.  I didn't count laps, I didn't time myself, I just swam.  And it was good- woot!!!

Maybe I Won't, Maybe I Will

Ugh.  Dark night of the soul and all that trash. Yesterday and this morning I am struggling with despair, fear. and hopelessness.  What if I can't do this thing?  What if I can't finish a sprint triathlon?  My heart medication makes everything harder.  It makes it harder to lose weight, it makes it harder to stay motivated, it makes it harder to get my body to do what I want it to do, it makes me feel tired, it makes me feel like quitting because it's so hard.  And maybe all this hard work is for nothing.  Maybe I just *think* I am working hard and really, I am not, but the medication makes me feel like I am and I am actually just wasting my time, not working towards anything.  I think that's my fear.  That all my effort isn't really meaningful at all, it's just a waste of time.  The two things I would use to judge my progress weight loss, and heart rate, are the two things mostly affected by beta blockers.  My beta blocker won't let my heart rate raise much, which means the aerobic benefit of this training is definitely compromised.  So, no wonder I am not losing weight!  I FEEL like I am exercising a lot, but actually, I am not working all that hard because my heart medication makes my heart not work very hard.  I feel lost.  And frustrated.  And angry.  And hopeless.  Blech!  What to do, what to do?  

Training Slow Down

So yesterday, during my swim my heart started to hurt.  It kinda radiated from the front to the back, or vise-verse, I just couldn't tell.  I called the cardiac nurse, and she didn't seem too concerned.  So, today I will take it easy, and see what's up.  I have an appointment with my general nurse practitioner to see if I can get a cortisone injection in my heels for my plantar-fascias, or however you spell it.  Always something.  I am a little discouraged today- that pain in the back/heart thing makes me nervous and reminds me that 7 months ago I had a heart attack.  Bleh.

Long Ride and Perspective

I finally got a fairly long ride in today- I have been wanting to go for a longer ride, but finding a place to do that has been difficult.  I ended up riding to the marina today- it's exactly 5.5 miles out, and 5.5 miles back.  11 miles total.  I stopped at the marina and had a small snack, then biked home.  I like my new ArmPocket. I keep my iPhone in it, and can listen to music while I ride.  Take The Last Train to Clarksville set a good cadence, LOL!  I'm going to swim tonight for a few laps and see how that feels.  I am hoping to get to go for  an open water swim this week, coupled with a longer bike ride.  Hope I last!

Feeling Stronger Today

Today I rode 9 miles on my bike, and it felt good-  really good.  So good in fact, I don't feel like it was a hard workout at all.  That is AWESOME!!!!  I am SO excited- some progress!  After that terrible swim workout I had yesterday, this is very encouraging.

The girls are gone at camp all next week, and Sarah only works half days, so we have 2 good long rides planned, and I am excited!  On Monday, we are going to go to Shadow Cliffs to do an open water swim, and then a long bike ride.  We might flip flop that though, because it would be nice to cool off after the ride- we'll see.

I am pretty terrified of an open water swim, so I should practice a time or two before the real deal, I guess.  I am not sure why I am so terrified.  Growing up, I only swam in a lake- we went water skiing every weekend, and I can't remember ever swimming in a pool.  Now, the thought of swimming in a lake gives me the heebie-jeebies.  Yikes!

Jello In The Pool

My swim workout today was pretty discouraging.  I am sure that there was some sort of rip tide going on in the middle of the pool, and that someone had added jello to the water as well.  For whatever reason, I could NOT get out of my own way this morning.  Very discouraging.  And of course, I went right to the ugly place of, "I can't do this.  I should quit.  I am stupid for even thinking that I could even do this.  Why try?  I can't, I can't, I can't."  I. really. wanted. to. quit.  just. quit. quit. quit.  But then, I thought about how I would feel if I got out of the pool.  I realized that I wouldn't feel better, I would feel like a quitter.  And I hate feeling like a quitter.  Hate it.

 In my recovery, something I have learned is that taking the easy way out, only postpones and intensifies my pain.  It's a lie for me to think that if I drink, use, or eat, I will feel better.  I never do.  I have a MOMENT of relief while I am drinking, or using, or eating, but as soon as that moment passes, the pain is there and it's stronger and lasts longer because I then have pain AND regret.  Such fun (not!)  

So, I decided to just keep doing one set at a time, and then see if I could do one more.  I had 8 sets to do, and before I knew it, I was on the 6th set, then the 7th, and then the 8th!  After the 8th set, I wanted to just quit and get out of the pool, but somehow I was able to keep going for the last 10 minutes for my cool down.  It wasn't pretty, but I got it done.  Still kinda discouraged, but I'll just keep my head down and keep working.

Tomorrow:  a long bike ride!  Woot!

I Am Going To Do It!

I am going to compete in a triathlon. In 8 weeks. Kinda scary to actually post this- makes it real to me.

Ever since my heart attack in November, I have wanted to get busy on my Bucket List. Participating in a Triathlon happened to be on the list, and since exercise was needed in my recovery, it seemed like a good place to start. So, I have been working out since March. First on my list? Learn to swim. Because you have to swim in a triathlon, I thought it best to start with learning to swim. Sarah is a great swim teacher! You would think with 4 girls on a swim team, their momma would know how to swim. Not so much. In fact, I have had such a deep fear of the water, I made sure the girls could swim at an early age, so I wouldn't have to go in after them. I know, lame. But there you go. Soooooo- in April, I learned to swim. I cried. A lot. I felt sorry for Sarah, but told her if possible, to ignore my tears. I was soooooooo afraid, and it seemed soooooo hard. I was WAY out of shape! So I had the fear of swimming/drowning, and then the knowledge of how far out of shape I was going through my head as I flopped from one side of the pool to the other. But you know, it got easier. It got easier faster than I expected. Now, I can swim 600 yards. Not all in one shot, don't let me fool you, I do it in groups of 75 yds, but I am getting there!

Next on the agenda?  Learn to run.  Yikes, there are a lot of things to learn to do!  Last month I started learning to run again, and taking it REAL slow!  My work out for two weeks:  warm up:  walk 10 minutes.  Main set: jog for 30 sec, walk for 3 minutes.  Repeat 5 times.  The next week:  warm up: walk for 10 minutes.  Main set:  Jog for 30 sec. walk for 2 minutes, repeat 5X.  You get the idea.  Today my work out:  walk 10 mins.  Main set:  Jog for 45 sec, walk 1:30 sec, repeat 5 sec.  I rode my bike to the track (1.5 miles), did my work out and then rode home.  Total work out:  rode 3 miles, walked/jogged for 35 mins.  Not too bad.  I am in no pain, and that's a good thing!  Woot!