REcommitting

I met with my sponsor on Monday.  I shared with her that I am feeling really worried about whether or not I will be able to continue training, and whether or not I will be able to participate in this triathlon.  I shared with her that I am worried that I will get too discouraged and just quit.  That's been my "go to" behavior in the past: quitting.  My unspoken life motto was:  When the going gets tough, it's time to quit and blame.  

My sponsor recommended that I do something I have never done before.  She recommended that I RE-commit.  She recommended that I think about what I want, how I want to get there, and make the commitment again.  And again.  As many times as it takes, I need to recommit to my goal. 

This idea of recommitting goes against my nature of "all or nothing".  But if I am honest with myself, my "all or nothing" way of life, usually ends up with not much of "all" and a whole bunch of "nothing".  I know how this story ends.  I start something very enthusiastically and when obstacles get in my way, I take the first few, but eventually I encounter one too many obstacles, and I quit.  I quit, and then to make myself feel better for giving up, I blame.  When I look back on my life, I can see how this process of quitting leads me to stop having confidence in my ability to accomplish anything difficult, and how it causes me to need to manage my feelings of failure with drugs, alcohol or food.  I quit my Jr. High School basketball team, took the easy classes in high school, quit college, made poor career choices, ruined friendships; the list goes on and on.  OY!!!

Now, there are SOME decisions I made that I have continued on the path of success.  Getting clean and sober (20 years this December), my marriage, my kids, Celebrate Recovery, to name a few.  So to be fair to myself, I don't quit EVERYTHING.  Just some things: college (I quit 6 semester hours short of my BS in Psychology), sports, eating healthy, exercise, business ideas, friendships, churches, musical instruments, etc.  The thing is though, that each time I quit something, it makes my circle of opportunity smaller and smaller, and I suddenly find myself in a very tiny and confining circle of life experiences.  Then I drink or use or eat to manage my frustration and pain. 

So, what if I try something new?  What if I start something, overcome a few obstacles, feel like quitting, and then REcommit and see what happens?  What would that be like?  I think I want to try that! 

So today, I am going to envision myself completing my training, and participating in this triathlon.  I might be last.  I probably will be last. I might be the slowest, the fattest and the lamest person there.  But I WILL finish. I am going to envision myself continuing to train, no matter what.  Even though I feel stupid for even trying. Even though I feel embarrassed because I don't look like the other athletes out there.  Even though I have a Walmart helmet, and am too big to fit into a wet suit.  Even thought it hurts.  Even though I am afraid.  I am going to remind myself that if I quit, I have a 100% chance of failing.  If I don't quit, if I keep training, I have a 50/50 chance of NOT failing. 

I am going to write a new story!  Woot!